Category Archives: communication

Communications in Relationships

This is not communication

Some people think that if words are coming out of their mouths, they are communicating.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  85% of communication is non-verbal.  And the 15% that is verbal must be learned and carefully executed to be good communication.  Listening skills are also a part of good communication.  Knowing how to listen and why you are listening is imperative to being heard and not starting an unnecessary argument.  What tends to happen is one person, let’s call him/her Person A, wants to convey an idea or a feeling to Person B.  Person A then tells an elaborate story or tries to get Person B to remember a prior incident that, if Person B can remember the incident, it will convey to Person B the feeling that Person A wants to convey.  Now let’s say Person B is not a mind reader, nor a good translator of information, and has no clue about the feeling Person A is trying to express, and finds one word in the explanation that they don’t like.  Perhaps Person A is mad and in the explanation he/she uses an angry word, like bitch instead of woman etc.  Person B then reacts to that word and gets angry about it and judges the other person for the use of that word.  Person A then gets more angry and finds a word in the argument that he/she doesn’t like, and argues about that word.  And so it continues as the feelings of frustration (at not being heard and not communicating well) increase equally for both people and a massive fight is well on its way.  This is why when couples recall their fights they often say “I have no idea what we were fighting about”.    Learning how to communicate is the number one priority in couples counseling.  It is called “talk therapy” and if the couple cannot talk, it easily becomes “no talking non-therapy”. Communication is also important in sex, and if couples cannot talk without avoiding arguments, then fights will appear in the bedroom as well.  When talking and sex stop, it feels like there is no relationship at all.  See a therapist if you are in this position.

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